Flamingos and Hedgehogs Need Not Apply
by NotMarge
Summary: Hatter and Alice try something new in the dark. It doesn't really go so well. Wonky fluff.


I do not own Syfy's Alice.

I have had this same experience. Not of course with Hatter. Ha.

Flamingos and Hedgehogs Need Not Apply

* * *

><p>And then of course there had been the time with the blacklights.<p>

It was one of those try-it-once things.

Because once was all Hatter could take.

"Alice, where're we goin'?"

She grinned mysteriously, tilting her dark, ponytailed head at him.

"It's a surprise."

He smirked at her, using his dimples in an attempt to wheedle a smidgen of information out of her.

"How about a hint, eh?"

She shrugged and threw his smirk right back at him.

"Flamingos and hedgehogs."

He was momentarily baffled and she smiled triumphantly. Then he rallied.

"Oh, a, uh, zoo thing again?"

Alice shook her head proudly, still grinning.

"Nope."

She pecked his cheek and he grinned at her as their public transportation slowed to a stop once more.

"Here we are!" she announced brightly.

Hatter peered out the bus window.

_What the h-_

* * *

><p>"What'm I supposed to do <em>this<em>?"

He looked at the odd contraption Alice had just stuck in his hand.

It was a long and thin rod, stretching from his waist to the floor.

And pink.

A white and black and pink bird's face was painted on the bottom part that twisted and stuck out.

"You're going to hit this with it," she replied, as if this bit of insanity were perfectly normal.

And held up a brightly colored orb for his inspection.

"What's that face on it?" he queried suspiciously.

She grinned wider.

"A hedgehog."

_Oh, Alice. Taken one too many knocks in the head during karate I'm afraid._

Still, Hatter had to try.

"Um, why?"

She pointed.

"'Cause it's the Wonderland theme!" she reminded him, pointing back to the large neon sign that now read backward to them:

Wonderland Mini Golf! Beat the Queen of Hearts at Her Own Game!

Hatter rolled his eyes.

It didn't look like mini golf. It looked like a bad Tea trip.

But Alice seemed very excited to introduce him to this bizarre pastime. She stood next to a giant fake green and pink mushroom, happily rattling off what was probably some important information about the mechanics and rules and such that he most likely needed to listen to. Plus, she was very excited and Hatter loved seeing her happy and full of enthusiasm.

" . . . lowest score wins!"

He frowned at her, furrowing his brow.

"What? You mean you try _not_ to score?"

They'd already been through basketball, baseball, football, soccer, and wrestling. And he'd mostly understood all those. So he'd begun to think he had a working knowledge of sports in this world.

Apparently he'd been wrong.

Alice huffed, exasperated, and grabbed his arm.

"Come on, it's good to learn by _doing_."

_Ya know, normally I'm all for that, especially with you, but . . ._

Then she dragged him into the darkness beyond.

* * *

><p>"I still don't understand why it makes sense to play this game in the <em>dark<em>, Alice!"

Well, it wasn't technically dark. There were these peculiar lights that make everything glow in weird neon colors. It made his head hurt. And it made Alice look, well, not like Alice at all. It made her look like a ghoul. And made her teeth glow while her beautiful eyes stayed in pits he couldn't see into.

"It's blacklight golf, Hatter! It's _fun_!"

Hatter knew now that his dear, sweet Alice was definitely mad as a box of frogs.

"What's fun about stumbling around the dark trying to hit a little ball into a hole?"

She huffed and tried to raise her voice over the sound of the music.

"It's supposed to be a novelty! Like that tea shop we went to!"

Ah yes, that children's party. Drinking tea out of ridiculously enormous cups.

There was a pause in the garish music, the lights flittered through a nauseating spectrum of swirls. And then it started all over again.

That was another thing. The forcibly jaunty music was too loud. And disjointed. And creepy, as if Dee and Dum had been set loose to torture him into submission using auditory suffering.

"Look, just try again," Alice suggested, calmly her tone considerably. "Just think of the first three holes as practice rounds, okay?"

He gestured to the paper and stubby pencil clutched in her hand.

"You gonna take off all those lil' numbers, then?"

She drew back as if offended.

"Of course not! We have to keep score to see who wins!"

Hatter glared at the scribbles.

_Got a distinct feeling neither of us will be called 'winners' by the end of this game, Alice._

Still, he gave it a whirl. Swung the puny little metal stick at the little smiling blue hedgehog ball and winged it right off the deliriously smiling worm's face . . .

_Caterpillar'd be offended by that caricature, I bet. Or amused maybe. He was a rather odd creature, by all accounts . . ._

. . . and plopped right into the glowing orange pool a foot away from the intended target.

"Ooh, water trap," Alice crowed gleefully. "That's a point!"

Hatter glared at the woman he loved.

"You mean you're punishing me by _adding_ points?! Shouldn't you be, I dunno, helping me out since I can't hit the bloody _hole_?"

She shook her head defiantly.

"Nope, not the rules!"

Hatter grumbled as he reached his hand into the Tea-colored water, fishing around for the ball.

* * *

><p>He was developing a blistering headache.<p>

And his dear, sweet Alice wasn't helping in the least bit.

"_Really_, Hatter, you can't just pluck it from out behind the rose bush and put it that close to the _hole_!"

She sounded annoyed. Hatter didn't really care. It was _him_ who had banged his head on the purple grinning google-eyed cat a minute ago, not her. _Him_ who had nearly fallen over a giant green top hat with an orange wristwatch wrapped around it, not her. _Him_ who had felt as though the whole world had gone insane and was trying to make him stand on his head and sing like a crazy lunatic.

"Well, it's the only way I'm ever going to finish this round, to be honest!" he retorted in frustration.

And they were snapping at each other, arguing, bickering. Something they hadn't done so badly since . . .

Hatter suddenly dropped his ridiculous golf club and headed straight for Alice. Grabbing her hand, he pulled her away from the garish lights and noise. She protested but he managed to drag her out an exit door and into the blessed calm, normally lit night beyond.

The irritating music cut off as the heavy door slammed shut.

". . . even finished the game, Hatter!" Alice was complaining, with one hand gesturing back the way they'd come.

He let go of her hand, catching hold of her face instead and diving in for a kiss. Her words of dissention came to an abrupt halt and quiet reined for several moments. Breaking the kiss, he pressed his forehead to hers and kept his eyes closed.

"There," he murmured quietly, finally beginning to relax. "That's better."

Her hands were clutched at his sides and they were trembling.

"Hatter, what?"

He drew back and smiled a little sheepishly at her.

"Don't you see? We only really fight when we're in Wonderland."

She looked at him as if he'd lost his marbles and then looked back the way they'd come. Then her face colored and burst into expression of bewildered embarrassment. She laughed and he laughed with her.

They decided to go to a movie instead.

Nothing Wonderlandish though.

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><p><strong>Why write this? I dunno. Why not? :)<strong>

**And check out the pic too. Just baffled, isn't he?**

**Thanks to ChiefPam, CrimeShowsNumber1Fan, and the1upguy for reading and reviewing. Very gracious of you. Sorry there were no dragons. :)**

**Thanks also to Roazhonad for adding your support to this lil bit of fun silly.**

**Everybody appreciates feedback. Leave a review if you like.**


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